268: Validation > Love

You've probably heard of CBT—Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

For decades, it's been a cornerstone of therapy, helping people reframe negative thoughts and manage their behaviors.

But did you know there's another, equally powerful set of skills that represents the next big wave in psychological tools? One that is much more applicable to your relationships and interactions in everyday life?

It's called called validation.

Today's newsletter is all about this superskill and this book I've been absolutely obsessed with called: Validation: How the Skill Set That Revolutionized Psychology Will Transform Your Relationships, Increase Your Influence, and Change Your Life — by Caroline Fleck, PhD.

This is going to be good, I promise.

Now validation might sound like posting thirst traps on social media fishing for compliments in conversations. But here we mean something much deeper and fundamental.

Validation is the act of making someone feel seen, heard, and understood. It's about communicating that their feelings make sense, that they aren't crazy, and that they belong.

This is a skill set that emerged from Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), a system developed in the late 1980s by psychologist Marsha Linehan. Initially created to treat patients with Borderline Personality Disorder, who often experience extreme emotional sensitivity and invalidation, these skills have proven applicable and effective across many therapeutic contexts and in every day life.

Think of validation like emotional first aid. Just as you wouldn't tell someone with a broken leg to "walk it off," you don't tell someone experiencing emotional pain to simply "get over it."

Whether you're a leader, a parent, a partner, or a friend, learning to validate will unlock a superpower for building connection and trust.

What Validation Is (and What It Isn't)

We often invalidate others without even realizing it.

Imagine a friend tells you, "I'm having such a tough time with my job search. I've been rejected so many times, and I'm feeling really down."

An invalidating (but common) response might be:

"Don't worry about it! My friend was job hunting for a year. You've only been at it for a month. You'll be fine, just keep going!"

While the intent might be encouraging, the message received is, "Your feelings aren't legitimate. Your problem isn't a real problem." You've unintentionally denied their reality and tried to replace it with your own.

Now, consider a validating response:

"Man, that sounds really tough. I can only imagine how discouraging that must feel. When I was looking for my last job, it took way longer than I expected, and I remember feeling pretty down on myself. Is there anything I can do to help, or would you rather just get your mind off it for a bit?"

See the difference? The second response says: Your feelings are real and they make sense. You are not alone in this experience. I am here for you.

A crucial point is that validation does not equal agreement.

You don't have to endorse someone's belief system to validate their feelings. Dr. Fleck uses the powerful example of someone who believes they need to wear a tinfoil hat to protect themselves from cell tower radiation. You don't have to agree that cell towers cause cancer. Instead, you can validate the parts that are valid from your perspective:

"You know, it's true that new technologies come out all the time, and sometimes we don't find out they're dangerous until much later. Radiation is invisible, and it makes sense to want to protect yourself from something you believe could be harmful."

In this statement, you haven't endorsed the tinfoil hat nor have you rejected it outright. You have built a bridge of understanding. You've shown the person that you don't think they're completely crazy.

People generally will not accept advice or guidance from someone they believe doesn't get them. "You have no idea what I'm going through!" is not a phrase that is typically followed up with "So tell me what you think I should do?"

Validation is the key to opening that door.

Validation is also not praise. Praise involves judgement—I am judging you as good (beautiful, smart, kind, etc). Validation is more fundamental: you are accepted as you are, warts and all, making it even better than praise in some ways.

The power of validation lies in its ability to create psychological safety. When someone feels validated, their nervous system can relax. They don't need to defend their position or prove their worth. This creates space for genuine dialogue, problem-solving, and connection.

In contrast, when people feel invalidated, they often become more entrenched in their positions, more defensive, and less open to influence or change. This makes sense intuitively but think about how often we inadvertently invalidate others.

The manager who learns to validate their team member's frustration before offering solutions will find their advice is received more openly. The parent who validates their teenager's disappointment about a canceled plan will maintain connection even while setting boundaries. The partner who validates their spouse's worries and concerns will create a foundation for working through conflicts together rather than against each other.

The Validation Ladder: An Actionable Framework

To make these skills easy to remember and practice, Fleck outlines a "Validation Ladder" using the acronym ACCEPTED.

We love ourselves a good acronym.

The rungs start with simple, low-risk techniques and move up to more complex and powerful ones. The higher you climb, the greater the potential for connection, but also the greater the risk if you misstep. If you find yourself slipping, Fleck recommends simply climbing back down to a more basic rung and resetting.

A - Attend

This is the absolute foundation: simply show that you are paying attention. Put your phone away. Make eye contact. Turn your body towards the person. Use simple verbal cues like, "Mm-hmm," "Go on," or "Tell me more." You cannot validate someone if they don't believe you are even listening.

The power of attention cannot be overstated in our distracted world. When someone feels they have your full attention, they feel way more appreciated and everything else you do or say will have greater impact.

Attending also means being present with your own internal state. If you're anxious, angry, or preoccupied, it will be difficult to truly attend to another person.

If you're really not in a place to attend, it's better to say something like:

"I want to give you my full attention, but I'm really distracted right now. Can we talk about this in an hour when I can be fully present?"

This honesty is itself a form of validation—you're communicating that what they have to say matters enough to deserve your best attention. (Of course then you gotta follow up and be really present or else it'll seem super invalidating).

C - Copy

Also known as mirroring or paraphrasing, this involves restating what the person has just said. If they say, "I can't believe they didn't even call me to let me know," you can respond with, "They didn't even call you." It may sound simple, but it proves you are actively listening and processing their words, which encourages them to continue sharing.

Copying does more than just prove you're listening. It slows down the conversation, giving both parties time to process what's being shared. It also gives the speaker a chance to hear their own words reflected back, which can help them clarify their thoughts and feelings.

The key to effective copying is to use the speaker's own words and emotional tone. Don't clean up their language or make it more polite (something I'm guilty of from time to time).

If they say, "I'm pissed off," don't reply back, "You're feeling frustrated." The specific words they choose often carry important emotional weight. By copying their exact language, you're validating not just their experience but their right to express it in their own way.

C - Contextualize

This is where you show you understand their world. You use your knowledge of their life and past experiences to put their current feelings into a broader context.

For the friend who was rejected from a job, you might say,

"I know this is the third time you've made it to the final round only to be ghosted. That must make this feel so much worse."

This shows you remember their journey and understand why this specific instance is particularly painful.

Contextualization demonstrates that you see the person as a whole human being with a history, not just someone experiencing an isolated moment of distress. It shows that you've been paying attention to their life over time and that their experiences matter enough to you to remember and consider.

This skill requires emotional intelligence and memory. You need to recall previous conversations, understand how past experiences might be influencing current feelings, and recognize patterns in someone's life. When done well, contextualization can help people feel deeply known and understood. It can also help them gain insight into their own reactions by seeing how their current situation connects to their broader life story.

Sometimes when I'm talking to a client after a break, I will forget things about their life and make references that indicate I'm not keeping in mind their childhood / relationship with cofounder / past ​challenges. I can always tell that I've slipped because I see it in their eyes and I know I have to take a step back to reconnect.

Contextualization needs to be accurate. If you misremember details or make incorrect connections, it can feel invalidating rather than validating.

When in doubt, ask questions: "Is this similar to what happened with your last job search?" This shows you're trying to understand their context while giving them the opportunity to correct or clarify.

E - Equalize

Equalizing, or normalizing, is the act of communicating that their reaction is a normal human experience. You're saying, "You're not alone in this."

For example:

"It makes total sense that you're having a hard time. It seems like the job market is incredibly tough for everyone right now.

This counters the isolating feeling that something is wrong with them. It reframes their struggle as a shared, understandable one.

Equalization is particularly powerful because it addresses one of the most painful aspects of difficult experiences: the sense of being alone or abnormal.

When people are struggling, they often feel like they're the only ones who can't handle what life is throwing at them. They may feel weak, broken, or fundamentally flawed. Equalization gently challenges these self-critical thoughts by placing their experience in the context of normal human experience.

Dr. Fleck offers throwing in this additional phrase (if you believe it) of saying: "And I feel like you're handling it better than most people would." or something to that extent, to sneak in a bit of subtle praise in there.

Remember not to minimize someone's pain by saying "everyone goes through this" in a dismissive way (ugh, also something I'm guilty of). Instead, you want to acknowledge that while their experience may be common, it's still genuinely difficult.

You might say:

"A lot of people struggle with this, and that doesn't make it any less hard for you."

This validates both the universality of the experience and the legitimacy of their personal pain. The goal is to help them feel less alone and less defective.

P - Propose

This is a higher-level skill where you gently offer an interpretation of what they might be feeling but haven't said explicitly. It requires you to go out on a limb, and the risk is higher. The book describes three levels of proposing:

Let's say your friend had to leave work and drive to the hospital after their kid got hurt at soccer practice.

• Asking a Question: "Were you feeling a little guilty that you weren't there when they got hurt?"
• Making a Soft Suggestion: "I'm guessing you're pretty pissed at the coach too for not being more careful."
• Making a Direct Statement: "You must have sprinting through the parking lot to see them."

Proposing is perhaps the most sophisticated validation skill because it requires you to read between the lines and intuit what someone might be experiencing beyond what they've explicitly shared. It's based on your understanding of human psychology, your knowledge of the person, and your ability to pick up on subtle cues in their tone, body language, and word choice.

When proposing works well, the other person is really going to feel connected and seen, maybe even in ways they didn't even understand themselves. It can help them access and articulate feelings they were struggling to identify.

The risk with proposing is that you might project your own experiences or assumptions onto the other person. You might assume they're feeling something they're not, or you might miss the mark entirely.

Phrases like "I wonder if..." or "It seems like maybe..." signal that you're offering a possibility rather than making a definitive statement about their experience.

When you do miss the mark with a proposal, don't defend your interpretation or insist that they must be feeling what you suggested. Just acknowledge the miss and return to a lower rung of the ladder: "I think I misread that. Help me understand what you are feeling."

T - Take Action

Sometimes, the most validating thing you can do is offer tangible help.

If someone is complaining that their Uber to the airport was canceled, you could offer all the right words, or you could say, "Hey, do you want me to drive you?"

Taking action shows you care so much that you're willing to step in and help solve the problem. Of course, this must be done with care—don't solve problems for people who need to learn to solve them themselves.

Taking action is validation through behavior rather than words. It communicates that you not only understand and care about their situation, but you're willing to invest your time, energy, or resources to help. This can be incredibly powerful because actions often speak louder than words.

However, taking action requires careful judgment. You need to consider whether the person wants help solving their problem or whether they primarily need emotional support. Some people share their struggles because they want practical assistance, while others share because they need to process their feelings or feel heard. Jumping to action when someone needs emotional validation can actually feel invalidating—it can communicate that you want to fix them rather than understand them.

The key is to offer action while still leaving room for the person to decline. You might say, "Would it be helpful if I..." or "I'm happy to... if that would be useful." This gives them the choice and maintains their autonomy while still demonstrating your care and willingness to help.

Taking action can range from small gestures to significant commitments. It might be bringing someone a cup of coffee when they're stressed, offering to babysit when they're overwhelmed, or helping them move when they're going through a difficult transition. The scale of the action matters less than the thoughtfulness behind it and its relevance to their specific situation.

E - Emote

This rung is about expressing your own genuine feelings in response to what they're sharing.

When a friend shares amazing news, saying "That is amazing news—I'm thrilled for you!" with a huge smile is far more validating than a flat "That's great."

When they share something awful, a shocked "That's so horrible, I can't believe they did that!" can make them feel your solidarity. Your emotional response shows that what happens to them impacts you.

When you express emotion, you're showing that the person's experience has moved you. It's not just an intellectually understanding, it's felt.

This skill requires emotional authenticity and appropriate expression. Your emotional response should match the situation and the relationship. A mild expression of concern might be appropriate for an acquaintance's minor setback, while a stronger emotional response might be fitting for a close friend's major crisis.

Emoting also requires you to be in touch with your own emotional responses. If you're disconnected from your feelings or uncomfortable expressing emotion (this is sometimes me!), this skill can be challenging. It may require time and practice to develop greater emotional awareness and comfort with emotional expression.

The power of emoting lies in its ability to create emotional resonance. When someone sees that their joy brings you joy or their pain causes you concern, they feel less alone in their experience. They feel that their emotional life matters to someone else, which is a fundamental human need.

D - Disclose

Disclosure involves sharing a vulnerable, relevant experience of your own to connect with someone's pain or shame. I've previously written about being victim of a credit card scam.

Being public with this story means that sometimes friends are introducing me to people who have also been scammed. My disclosure validates their feelings of shame and embarrassment. It tells them they're not alone or stupid for what happened.

Disclosure is perhaps the most complex validation skill because it requires you to be vulnerable while keeping the focus on the other person. The key is to make sure the disclosure is relevant and its purpose is to support them, not to turn the conversation back to yourself. Otherwise you risk hijacking the conversation and make the other person feel unheard.

You also gotta make sure you don't accidentally devalue their experience by comparing two non equivalent experiences. You could imagine how invalidating this might feel

"I totally get how hard it must have been to lose your child. I was really sad when my pet goldfish died last year too."

Disclosure is particularly powerful for addressing shame.

When someone feels ashamed of their experience—whether it's being scammed, struggling with mental health, making a major mistake, or facing any other stigmatized situation—hearing that someone they respect has been through something similar can be incredibly healing. It challenges their sense of being uniquely flawed or foolish.

The Neuroscience Behind Validation

But why does validation work so well? The answer lies in how our brains are wired. Understanding the science behind validation helps explain why it's such a powerful tool—and why the absence of it can be so damaging.

• Validation activates our "safety" brain systems: When we feel understood, our parasympathetic nervous system kicks in, promoting calm and openness. When we feel misunderstood, our fight-or-flight response activates instead.

• It literally helps people think more clearly: Validation calms the amygdala (our brain's alarm system) and allows the prefrontal cortex—responsible for logical thinking and emotional regulation—to come back online.

Common Validation Mistakes

Even with good intentions, it's easy to make validation mistakes. Here are the most common pitfalls (I've been guilty of all of them at one point or another)

• The Fix-It Trap: Jumping straight to problem-solving without first validating emotions. Most people need to feel heard before they're ready for solutions.

• The Comparison Trap: Using statements like "At least you're not..." or "Other people have it worse" to provide perspective, which actually minimizes their experience.

• The Silver Lining Trap: Offering premature positivity with phrases like "Everything happens for a reason" before someone has processed their difficult emotions.

• The Minimization Trap: Trying to reassure with "It's not that bad" or "You'll get over it," which dismisses the significance of their experience from their perspective.

Self-Validation: The Foundation of Validating Others

Learning these skills also means you can learn to validate yourself.

Self-validation is the practice of acknowledging and accepting your own thoughts, feelings, and experiences without judgment. It's the foundation of emotional health and the prerequisite for authentic connection with others.

Self-validation involves several key practices. First, you need to develop awareness of your internal experience. This means paying attention to your thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations without immediately trying to change or fix them. It means getting curious about your inner world rather than judgmental.

Second, self-validation involves accepting your emotions as valid information about your experience. This doesn't mean that all emotions are accurate or that you should act on every feeling, but it does mean acknowledging that your emotions make sense given your perspective and history.

Third, self-validation involves treating yourself with the same compassion you would offer a good friend. When you make mistakes or face difficulties, self-validation means speaking to yourself kindly rather than harshly. It means recognizing your humanity and your right to struggle and learn.

And if you think this part is less important than validating others, consider this:

People who struggle with self-validation often find it difficult to validate others authentically. If you're constantly judging your own emotions as wrong or inappropriate, you'll likely do the same with others' emotions. If you can't tolerate your own vulnerability, you'll struggle to sit with others' vulnerability.

A lot of mental health support ends up being about receiving validation. In the case of coaching, the validation enables the client to think more clearly about their challenges and accept new ideas more readily.

Conclusion

Alright I've said a lot here but it's really because I see so much value in the book and the methods behind validation.

The ACCEPTED validation ladder provides a practical framework for developing these skills, but remember that the goal isn't to mechanically work through each rung. The goal is to genuinely connect with others and help them feel seen, heard, and understood. So trust your instincts, stay attuned to the other person's responses, and be willing to adjust your approach as needed.

At the end of the day, validation is as much a mindset as it is a skillset. It is the belief that every person's experience matters, that emotions are valid sources of information, and that connection is one of our deepest human needs.

When you approach others with this mindset, the specific skills become secondary to the genuine care and respect you bring to the interaction. It's a no-cost way to build relationships and rapport, and make people feel good.

I highly recommend Caroline Fleck's book. Here's a podcast she did with Adam Grant for more.