Or: Why I proudly strive to break racial stereotype.
[warning, this post contains graphic language]
If you’ve been following this blog for a while, then you know I’m a get-after-it kind of guy. Some examples of that:
- I play to win.
- I don’t take no for an answer.
- I like to get press & attention.
- I went out of my way to get rejected daily.
- I’ve dated attractive women of three different races.
- I can do one hundred fucking pushups in a row.
- I run a blog called “The Art of Ass-Kicking“.
I also happen to be a Chinese-American immigrant: born on foreign soil and raised and naturalized in the US.
The attributes I described in the first paragraph run directly counter to our society’s conception of Asians – meek, quiet, humble people who are sexually non-threatening (this applies mainly to men), don’t cause any trouble, and do what they’re told.
Well I’m not interested in abiding by that bullshit.
Believe it or not, there was a time in my life when I was shy and quiet, primarily interested in books and got bullied / beat up after class. And I did bust my butt to get good grades and good SAT scores so I could attend a top university like Stanford.
But at some point I realized the lie that my Chinese mother (unknowingly) told me:
Working hard and doing well in school will get you a good job and make girls want to be with you.”
Perhaps that worked in China, but it doesn’t work here.
Turns out, being successful at work OR in romance requires you to make noise, take risks and be aggressive. These lessons and many others are ones I’m still learning and striving toward. It might be simpler to just keep my head down and my mouth shut, as I see many of the men of my father’s generation do, but I know that that strategy won’t get me Fuck-You Money I desire nor let me take home the gorgeous babe at the bar.
And I won’t accept that.
I just finished a fantastic article by Wesley Yang in New York Magazine called Paper Tigers: What happens to all the Asian-American overachievers when the test-taking ends?(There’s a great discussion on HN about it too)
It captures so much of how I’ve felt growing up, attending college, and my first few years in the working world. Yang and I share many of the same struggles and while he ultimately has chosen a different path than me, I found the article insightful, highly readable and personally touching.
I highly recommend you read it, whether you’re Asian or not, and have included a couple choice quotes to whet your appetite.
But to close the main part of this blog post I just want to say to my Asian brothers and sisters who feel encumbered by the expectations others have thrust upon you, whether that be your family, your peers or your employers – it’s not too late.
It’s not too late to break out of this role others have created for us. It’s not too late to demand a raise. To schmooze and network with the higher ups. To ask for the number or go in for the kiss.
If you’re content with what you have and who you are, then I am by no means telling you to change that.
But if you are dissatisfied, if you want more but feel encumbered by the expectations of others on how you ought to act- screw that.
Shatter them and commit to going after what you really want. Because you deserve it.
Because we deserve it.
Selected quotes from Wesley Yang’s Paper Tigers
Feeling misinformed about how high school really works
“The general gist of most high-school movies is that the pretty cheerleader gets with the big dumb jock, and the nerd is left to bide his time in loneliness. But at some point in the future,” he says, “the nerd is going to rule the world, and the dumb jock is going to work in a carwash.
“At Stuy, it’s completely different: If you looked at the pinnacle, the girls and the guys are not only good-looking and socially affable, they also get the best grades and star in the school plays and win election to student government. It all converges at the top. It’s like training for high society. It was jarring for us Chinese kids. You got the sense that you had to study hard, but it wasn’t enough.”
Undoing old habits to succeed at work
He made a point to start smiling more. “It was something that I had to actively practice,” he says. “Like, when you have a transaction at a business, you hand over the money—and then you smile.” He says that he’s made some progress but that there’s still plenty of work that remains. “I’m trying to undo eighteen years of a Chinese upbringing. Four years at Williams helps, but only so much.” He is conscious of how his father, an IT manager, is treated at work. “He’s the best programmer at his office,” he says, “but because he doesn’t speak English well, he is always passed over.”
The founder of HotOrNot.com gets a lesson in the “Bamboo Ceiling”
While he was still an electrical-engineering student at Berkeley in the nineties, James Hong visited the IBM campus for a series of interviews. An older Asian researcher looked over Hong’s résumé and asked him some standard questions. Then he got up without saying a word and closed the door to his office.
“Listen,” he told Hong, “I’m going to be honest with you. My generation came to this country because we wanted better for you kids. We did the best we could, leaving our homes and going to graduate school not speaking much English. If you take this job, you are just going to hit the same ceiling we did. They just see me as an Asian Ph.D., never management potential. You are going to get a job offer, but don’t take it. Your generation has to go farther than we did, otherwise we did everything for nothing.”
The researcher was talking about what some refer to as the “Bamboo Ceiling”—an invisible barrier that maintains a pyramidal racial structure throughout corporate America, with lots of Asians at junior levels, quite a few in middle management, and virtually none in the higher reaches of leadership.
The disproportionately small number of Asians in leadership roles
If between 15 and 20 percent of every Ivy League class is Asian, and if the Ivy Leagues are incubators for the country’s leaders, it would stand to reason that Asians would make up some corresponding portion of the leadership class.
And yet the numbers tell a different story. According to a recent study, Asian-Americans represent roughly 5 percent of the population but only 0.3 percent of corporate officers, less than 1 percent of corporate board members, and around 2 percent of college presidents.
Teaching Asians to adopt new habits and behaviors to get ahead
In a presentation to 1,500 Asian-American employees of Microsoft, LEAP president and CEO J. D. Hokoyama laid out his grand synthesis of the Asian predicament in the workplace. “Sometimes people have perceptions about us and our communities which may or may not be true,” Hokoyama told the audience. “But they put those perceptions onto us, and then they do something that can be very devastating: They make decisions about us not based on the truth but based on those perceptions.” Hokoyama argued that it was not sufficient to rail at these unjust perceptions. In the end, Asian people themselves would have to assume responsibility for unmaking them. This was both a practical matter, he argued, and, in its own way, fair.
Catching up on lessons in being a man that many Asians miss
What if you missed out on the lessons in masculinity taught in the gyms and locker rooms of America’s high schools? What if life has failed to make you a socially dominant alpha male who runs the American boardroom and prevails in the American bedroom? What if no one ever taught you how to greet white people and make them comfortable? What if, despite these deficiencies, you no longer possess an immigrant’s dutiful forbearance for a secondary position in the American narrative and want to be a player in the scrimmage of American appetite right now, in the present?
How do you undo eighteen years of a Chinese upbringing?
The “Asian Playboy” explains why he coaches Asian men to pickup women
Tran continues to lay out a story of Asian-American male distress that must be relevant to the lives of at least some of those who have packed Master Krauss’s living room. The story he tells is one of Asian-American disadvantage in the sexual marketplace, a disadvantage that he has devoted his life to overturning. Yes, it is about picking up women. Yes, it is about picking up white women. Yes, it is about attracting those women whose hair is the color of the midday sun and eyes are the color of the ocean, and it is about having sex with them. He is not going to apologize for the images of blonde women plastered all over his website. This is what he prefers, what he stands for, and what he is selling: the courage to pursue anyone you want, and the skills to make the person you desire desire you back. White guys do what they want; he is going to do the same.